


i feel alive when i'm with you, baby, so tell me that i won't ever be lonely again

by gracethedisasterace



Category: Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)
Genre: Copious Amounts Of Swearing, F/M, Graphic Descriptions of Sex, OC mentions, but not any graphic sex itself, definitely lots of that, grilo - Freeform, im ace shut up, im doing my best, lightly influenced by lord huron dont judge me, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:53:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27219712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracethedisasterace/pseuds/gracethedisasterace
Summary: Graverobber and Shilo discuss the night they met
Relationships: GraveRobber/Shilo Wallace
Kudos: 7





	i feel alive when i'm with you, baby, so tell me that i won't ever be lonely again

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [N/A](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/705610) by thedevilswench. 



> I read a fic on tumblr, got inspired, wrote what could be called a sequel, trying to fit that fic into my own personal canon. Fic can be found at https://thedevilswench.tumblr.com/post/31745748295/okay-this-is-my-smutty-grilo-fanfic-im-telling, go check it out! (and be kind to the author, their style maybe be undeveloped, but give them a break, it was posted in 2012 xD)

Graverobber took a deep breath as he watched Shilo stumble sleepily down the stairs. He had to do this, he reminded himself. He couldn’t put it off or dodge around. The best, and honestly  _ only _ way, was to go ahead and say what had to be said.

He handed her a cup of coffee. "So... I think there's a few things we need to talk about."

"What's wrong?" she asked, brow creasing in concern. "Allan, are you okay? Don't tell me you're dying on me, that's not allowed."

“No, no, nothing like that." He sighed. "So, Shilo, as you've probably noticed, you turned eighteen yesterday. Remember that whole thing?"

She laughed, fingering the necklace he’d given her. "Of course, why?"

"I'm... I'm sorry, kid, this isn't your fault. I'm just really fucking bad at talk about my feelings and shit. I just think that, now that you're eighteen and this isn't as incriminating as it was before, I think we need to talk about the night we met. You know, the part we don't mention? It's time to mention it."

She sighed and sat down beside him on the couch. He knew she normally would have cuddled against his side without hesitation, but she kept her distance. "Yeah, I guess we should," she said. "But what particularly are we talking about? How much of a stupid mistake it was?"

“Not exactly, kid. The problem is… I don’t think I’ve been entirely honest about that night, and there’s some things you need to know. You’re eighteen, what I’m trying to give you is the chance to strike out on your own, because you might not want to stay with me anymore.”

“Yeah, definitely scared now,” she said grimly. “You want me to leave, and it’s related to that one time we had sex? Scary.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t— Don’t look at me like that. I don't  _ want _ you to leave. In all honesty, I just want you to stay. That’s what I’m trying to say, Shilo. I know this isn’t the best way, because I still fucking suck with words, but… Well, you know how I told you that first day, the only reason that happened was because we were both high and stressed and all that shit? I’m not really all that sure about it. And even if it was true, it’s… It might not be anymore.

“What are you saying, Allan? I don’t know where this is going.”

He rolled his head back and groaned. “Come on kid, can’t you tell? I… What I’m trying to say is, at some point, I don’t even know when, I think I— Oh, whatever you want to call it. I developed feelings. I got a crush. I fell in love. I know you’re my best friend, and I know that’s not how you feel, so don’t think I’m pressuring you. I just… That night wasn’t pure lust. It wasn’t that I found a warm body so I stuck my dick in it. You’re so much more than that, Shilo.”

She shook her head, shrinking in on herself like she used to when she first moved in. “No, Allan, just stop. Don’t mess around like that, it’s not funny.”

“Who said I’m trying to be funny?” he asked earnestly. “I mean it. The first day we met, I know I had barely spoken to you, but I knew there had to be  _ something  _ different. You… God, I know this sounds awful, but you were different. I had never met anyone like you, and certainly never anyone who made me feel like you did. I don’t know, I just felt… I felt so  _ good _ around you. You made me feel like a person. Do you know how long it’s been since anyone not related to me made me feel like a real human? Way too damn long. So when I dropped you at home, I thought it would be the last time I ever saw you. Do you know how much that hurt? To find you not once, but twice, only to lose you forever? Hell yeah, I know what I did was wrong, and it really was so fucking wrong, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it. I… Shilo, I had to have however much of you I could. When you mentioned wanting me in your bed, I thought you were just another of the dozens of girls who’ve wanted me for sex and nothing else, no matter how you made me feel. But I didn’t care. If you wanted to have sex with me, I’d have sex with you. Any damn thing you wanted from me, I might as well give you, because I didn’t want to lose you with nothing to remember, without a damn thing to hold on to.”   
  
Shilo laughed. “I’m sorry, but that might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You thought you were giving me what I wanted? That’s not even  _ nearly _ true. I wanted so fucking much more.”   
  
“You… What?”   
  
“Allan… It wasn’t enough, okay? It wasn’t. Yes, we had sex. Yes, it was fucking amazing. But it was just one night. One night where I didn’t even know your name and I had to  _ convince _ you to call me Shilo. One night where you had your damn makeup on so I couldn’t even see your face or feel your lips. One night when you were Graverobber, not Allan. It could never be giving me everything I wanted, because I wanted  _ you, _ not just your dick. The whole damn time, I kept wondering about all your scars and tattoos and how they all showed you were an entire  _ human _ , not just some sexy dealer. I wanted to know who the fuck you were as a person, because I was starting to fall in love with you.”   
  
“Shilo—” he said, not quite allowing himself to believe her.

“No, no, you’re listening to me now. You asked me if I knew how it felt to find someone only to lose them. You know what, I actually do fucking know about that. Because I fell asleep next to a beautiful man who didn’t treat me like a child for once, and I woke up in my bed cold and alone. That wasn’t much fun. Dammit, you barely even left a sign that you’d been there at all! All I had was one stupid note scrawled on a scrap of paper. And in case you were wondering, obviously I still have that scrap. I guess I need to remind myself that it did happen, that it’s not just the imagination of a touch starved kid.”   
  
“Shi, it happened, okay?” he said, barely noticing how they had moved closer together or how the coffee mugs were completely ignored now. “It happened, and it was the best damn thing that ever happened to me. Yes, I left the makeup on. Unfortunately, I ended up leaving makeup on a good few parts of your body, as well. Seeing you with my makeup, and with all those sexy marks on your neck, it was too much for me. It looked like you were  _ mine _ , kid. When you pulled that damn blanket over the both of us, it was like you actually wanted me to stay with you. No one had ever done that before. And before I knew it, you were sleeping all close to me, and you felt… Shilo, even then you felt so damn cold. I just wanted to stay with you and keep you warm and kiss your adorable shiny head and hold you until you woke up. But I couldn’t. You were a kid, I was a twenty year old drug dealer, I couldn’t stay. Besides, you know how dead I’d be if you dad had seen me. I was just trying to protect both of us. The leaving a note and sneaking out part isn’t something I’m proud of, but it’s something I had to do.”   
  
“So everything after counted as something you had to do, too? Telling me I was just high on adrenaline and I didn’t actually want what I wanted? Telling me it was a one time thing even when I was practically begging for it to be a permanent arrangement?”   
  
“I know it looked bad, Bug, but you were seventeen. It  _ had  _ to be a one time thing,” he said, half trying to convince himself. “It still does. I’m three years older than you. Right now, that’s too much. I shouldn’t have fucked you. I’m sorry. I’ll never blame you for what happened, because I know I encouraged every second of it. Hell, I fucking loved every second of it, every second of  _ you.  _ But that second is over. I’m not trying to make you relive everything, that’s not what I meant to do. I just… I need you to know that I love you. If you don’t feel the same way, I might advise moving out now that you’re eighteen. It’s… It’s not good for you to be here, Shilo. It can’t end well.”   
  
“It can’t end well? That’s your argument here? You want me to leave the man I’ve loved for a month because it can’t end well?”   
  
He blinked. “Okay, one of us has to be kidding right now. Are you kidding right now?”   
  
“Nope,” she said, shaking her head. “Said what I said. I’m in love with you. Have been since… I don’t know. Definitely before you fucked me, though that did make things better. Like I said, you respect me. Except now, with you being my best friend, it’s more than that. Now I know how adorable you are when you wake up and you’re all grouchy. I know how sweet you are when you’re sleepy and you get more affectionate. I know how hilarious you are when you’re messing around with your siblings. I know who you are as a person now, and I love you. Like, a lot. I can’t imagine a future without you, and I don’t want to imagine a future without  _ us. _ If you meant what you said about giving me whatever I wanted, you better get ready, because what I want is a real, actual relationship. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. If that’s not what you want, or if this isn’t what you meant… Honestly I’ll go die in a hole, probably, I’ve embarrassed myself enough for this lifetime.”

“No, Shilo, I just… Don’t take this as me not wanting you, or me not wanting a relationship because… Fuck, kid, you have no idea how much I want that. You just have to be  _ sure _ . I can’t—“

“Yeah, I’m not doing this again,” she said, cutting him off. “Remember last time? When you asked me over and over if I was sure? Allan, I’m telling you right now, I’m sure. I’m very,  _ very _ sure. So would you please stop wasting time and fucking kiss me already?”

“Shilo, no,” he said more forcefully. “I’m not done telling you the things you have to know. You seem to be happy enough with the idea of me giving you what you want. Who wouldn’t be, with that kind of open proposition? But that wasn’t all. When we… When I made that mistake, it wasn’t just out of the goodness of my heart. It was fucking selfish and I know it. You know already, but that day was my goddamn birthday. It’s the stupidest excuse ever, but I told myself that I was allowed to give myself a present, that present just happened to be sticking my dick in you. And— And even that wasn’t the end of it. It wasn’t just selfish, it was fucking egotistical. Shilo, I wanted you to remember me. If I couldn’t be important to you because you loved me, I could be important because I was your first, maybe even your best. That’s not exactly something lovable or especially datable.”

“Allan, I didn’t fucking ask. I don’t care why you did it. I’m sorry, but at this point I don’t. You said you’re in love with me now, so that’s enough reason for me to want to date you right here and right now. So maybe you didn’t feel exactly that way that night. That’s fine by me. I knew you weren’t in love with me then, because you’d only met me twice. But even if you weren’t  _ in _ love with me, you still managed to act pretty loving. I meant it when I said you were one of the only people who respected me. Even when we were having sex, you listened to me and made sure I was okay. Fuck, the way you kissed me and helped me when it hurt? And the way you didn’t push me into anything I didn’t want to do? Yes, I wanted more, but at no point did I want less.”   
  
“No, Shilo,  _ please,  _ just listen. You… God, you’re gonna hate me. I’m sorry. But, kid, you weren’t the only girl I was with that night.”

Shilo blinked. “I don’t hate you,” she said slowly, her tone changing slightly, “But I’m going to need you to do a hell of a lot of explaining. How the fuck can you say I was different if I wasn’t even enough for one night?”

He sighed. “Shit, kid, I know. I’m sorry. I swear it wasn’t because you weren’t good enough. I meant what I said, you were the best I’d ever had. Still are, really. It’s just… Listen, I was scared. I was afraid that I might actually love you, and I couldn’t. So I tried to convince myself that any connection was all in my mind. I tried to convince myself that any girl could make me feel that way since I was so fucking touch starved and lonely. I found Amber a little while after I left your place, and I… I let her. I let her go way further than I ever had before. Fuck, I even participated. I tried to go through all the exact same motions I went through with you to prove to myself that you were nothing special. I’m not kidding, I tried to exactly step by step everything we did that night. You want to know how far I got? I couldn’t even get to running my hand under her shirt. I felt physically fucking sick, not just because of how much you know I hate her, but because I knew how much it would hurt you if you knew. How could I tell a beautiful, perfect thing like you that I tried to replace you with Amber? How could I tell you that I had a fucking breakdown because she just wasn’t you enough? I couldn’t, so I didn’t, and I’m starting to think I should have kept it that way,” he said, trying to keep control of his emotions.

“But, Allan… I’m not like Amber. Personal connection or not, she’s so much better than I am. She’s— She’s perfect. Every part of her body is literally surgically perfect. I’m just… Shilo. You didn’t like Amber because she’s Amber. Any other girl could have gotten the same reaction you got from me.”

“Kid,” he said softly, taking her hand, “I swear, it’s not like that at all. You’re Shilo. That’s not a defect. Have I really never told you? That I love you even more because you’re not all surgically altered? You’re one hundred percent natural and real and human, and I can really, really tell. You’re… God, kid, I don’t know how else to say it. You’re so  _ soft _ . You can feel surgeries. Especially breast implants and shit like that, you can feel. It’s hard and kind of gross and it just feels  _ wrong _ . You’re not like that. You’re soft and you’re tiny and you’re… I mean, I still have no idea how you do it. See, most girls are supposed to be either cute or sexy. Either they do the innocent thing and think it’s gonna work for them, or they do the sultry thing. You don’t even try, but you somehow manage to be the most adorable, cute, and pretty girl I’ve ever seen, and the hottest, sexiest woman on the planet. There’s no— There’s no modes here. It’s not like you’re cute sometimes and sexy sometimes. You’re both, always, no matter what. And… Bug, let me tell you right here and right now, no one else fucks like you. I’ve done the whole thing a fair few times. It gets boring. But you… God dammit, kid, you’re different. You— I mean, you were already amazing, and then you did… You did that thing with your legs, and I… And then when you rode me and you—” He shook his head. “Amber has nothing on you, trust me. You don't have to be jealous. I told you earlier, and it hasn’t stopped being true. I love you. If you can still manage to love me after everything I’ve done… I’m too selfish to fight you any longer. If you tell me you want this, we can do this. All of it.”   
  
She stared at him hopefully. “All of it? You mean… Romantically? Like, actual dating?”   
  
“Romantically like actual dating,” he nodded. “So, you in?”

She grinned, swinging around from her position on the couch, straddling him, and holding his face in her hands. “I’m really,  _ really _ in. I love you. With so much more of my heart than even I thought was possible. And… Shit, Allan, I’ve been wondering what the hell your lips feel like for a whole month. Could we do something about that?”   
  
He smiled and kissed her softly, hoping she wouldn’t be disappointed. She whimpered slightly in response, tangling her hands in his hair as she deepened the kiss. He felt his hands tighten around her hips as he nearly subconsciously pulled her closer to him.    
  
“I love you, kid,” he breathed. He hoped the words would make up for the way his kiss was becoming a little less gentle. It wasn’t entirely his fault, not when her hand was softly stroking his chest like that. 

He tried to suppress a groan as she gently rocked her hips with the rhythm of the kiss. “Kid—”   
  
She shook her head. “Didn’t I tell you last time? My name is Shilo. Maybe Bug, but don’t you ever try calling me ‘kid’ during sex.”   
  
“During sex? Is that where this is going?” he asked, kissing her neck and smirking as he heard her ragged breathing.

“Fucking better be, idiot. We—shit, fuck, that feels good—we already fucked in my bed once, isn’t it only fair that we take this to yours now?”

“Ours,” he said, giving up on not to be overly possessive. “It’s our fucking bed now. You’re not sleeping anywhere that isn’t under me, Shilo.”

She grinned. “Good. My bed gets so fucking cold and empty, I would be disappointed as hell if I couldn’t stay with you.”

“So… Want to go make my bed less cold and empty?” he said, doing his best to be suave. He sighed. “Shit, I can’t— Shi, if you want to stop, you better tell me real damn soon. I’m not gonna be able to control myself much longer at this rate. I’m sorry, But I… I think this needs to go upstairs. Now. Please.”

She laughed and kissed that one part of his jaw, the spot that made him lose his mind every time. He swore she knew what she was doing, and she was doing it maliciously. She wrapped her legs around his waist. “Who says I want you to control yourself?”   
  
He groaned and suddenly stood up, still holding her close and kissing her greedily. “Y’know, this is kind of starting to feel familiar.”   
  
She hummed in agreement. “‘Cept this time, I’m even more in love with you, so it feels a hell of a lot better.”

“And you have hair this time, that’s different too.”   
  
“And I can see your face.”   
  
“And I know where the fuck the bedroom is,” he smirked, carrying her up the stairs and down the hall. He paused outside the door, leaning back for a second so he could look her in the eye. “I mean it, kid. I love you. I don’t just want to fuck my roommate. I think… I think I want to make love with my girlfriend, if you’re really—”   
  
She cut him off with a renewed kiss. “And I want to make love with my boyfriend who I’m horrendously in love with, so hurry the fuck up and undress me, will you?”

  
That night, when collapsed next to her in bed exhausted but glowing, he kissed the top of her head gently and smiled. He could stay this time. He could actually, really stay with the woman he loved, and he didn’t even hate himself for it. _Maybe that’s what being in love does to a guy_ , he thought, falling asleep in her arms for the first, but definitely not last, time.  


**Author's Note:**

> Any by the way, you can find ME at shilos-cameo-necklace.tumblr.com, so, jot that down for future referrence. And... Sorry about the formatting weirdness. I don't actually know what to do about that, so be nice please


End file.
